my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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