whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
