you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
