Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
