I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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