were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
