I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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