guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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