If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
