meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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