We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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