He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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