I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she pinky promised me she was 18
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize