I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
