All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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