you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
