yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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