I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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