i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
