I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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