??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
