My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
