youre lurking in front of me
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize