I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
