The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize