I checked into jail on foursquare
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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