I looked at my own cervix.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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