is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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