I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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