I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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