No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Randomize
