Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he laminated a picture of his dick.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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