I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
