gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
