I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
barbara walters just said penis...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
