R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
