found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
