I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
