At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
