She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
