He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
