God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
