There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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