Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
