i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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