you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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