guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
