I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
