I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
