My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
