if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
