It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
