Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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