Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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