our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
