Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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