We won't sleep together?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
